manufactured joy

by hand model

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1.
sunblind 03:14
Crying children are everywhere in god’s house Spitting out their chewed up food at your face Art sucks you into death The pursuit of unneeded content and a paycheck leaves you scabbed up and alone Wondering if you’ll ever escape the feudal lords Oh how I want out But am I too late What if the efforts I have made are too late Craving pizza and a way out I wake up Coffee paints my insides the color of paradise I exist in a movie that I watch daily Without recourse or ability to change the channel since there is no remote Does it bother you to be held so thick with unknowing Are you so stricken with fear that you’re also blind Can’t even bring yourself to care About the biggest of things The most elephant of things Sunshine rubs me awake Sunshine brings me down Sunshine whisks me away Where i hear its stories all sunblind and tearful The pavement burns black The river is driving way too fast The cameras are front facing Don’t even bother thinking about a tomorrow Driving around eagle rock in my black car With a broken air conditioner Rattling somewhere in a very scary way under the hood Fake meats and fake lives Go together like tea and milk In the cottages of england But am I too late Sunshine rubs me awake Sunshine brings me down Sunshine whisks me away Where i hear its stories all sunblind and tearful The pavement burns black The river is driving way too fast The cameras are front facing Don’t even bother thinking about it until tomorrow
2.
The horses and the pigs Might rob each other out on their oil rigs But you don’t care You’re already young Run circles with knives Read books about trees Think about death Accept fate and relax Run circles with knives Take off your clothes at night Or don’t take off your clothes at night Or wear your skin like paranoia Run circles with knives A hundred eyes or two Looking out at you Run circles with knives A total stillness That’s greasy and unchanged Run circles with knives You might hear voices About what you should do But don’t pay attention Run circles with knives Once a day you think about breathing And then you can’t breathe A giant blanket of hair Snuffing you out Once a day you think about leaving But you can’t leave An enormous friend giving you a hug In the night Run circles with knives Time is a piece of shit and it hates you And your manufactured joy You’ll never get to do The things you wanted to do Before you die Bed frames in the streets And flames in the sheets A hundred eyes or two Looking out at you Don’t want to meet them anywhere Coated livers and greasy hair And all the while Little birds still chirp out their songs in a trash can But fuck it You got a picture of your face That’s etched into the sun And you’ve already won But the paranoid inside me wants out The fire season in the mountains Offers up no peace or inspiration And this is no way to say I’m sorry Running my head into the bell jar Over and over Running my head into the sand Whenever I can And etched into the sun is your face The paranoid inside me wants out
3.
I shut my eyes And when I opened my eyes another nightmare was beginning And this nightmare was wearing a dazzling white suit He was pretending that he cared about me but he didn’t All he wanted to do was take from me And let myself blow and bend like a tree in the wind What did I tell you he said Look away from the golden sunsets Look away from the drying rivers The choking summer sun What do you mean, no I can’t dance to this music I just want to have another drink OK man, just do it I said, OK man, just do it When I opened my eyes I was thrown through the french doors And into the garden Choking on the smoke But it still didn’t get me high Lights and voices spilled from the remains of the bathroom window But a few yards beyond the rubble Night drew up its barricades and sealed them off The barely glow of the stars The trees and flowers stewing in their burnt odors And there was no moon Hey man, pull out your white handkerchief And spread it over the darkness like ink Spread the pale cloth over the darkness like ink He gave me the goggles to watch and I put them on To stare at the facade and almost think that the unripe pears could be lumber with which to rebuild Take the smoldering wilderness and try to domesticate that with rocket ships Or bury the consciousness in the darkness like ink But the emptiness became an advertisement And the drone operators came and uncovered me Their gaze piercing through the veil of the white cabinets and the pink wallpaper So I crawled into bed and pulled the sheets over my head But even that didn’t shut out the light
4.
Yeah the endless clouds That we’ve been obsessing over Are just some kind of water I breathe into a mask And push the possibilities Behind any walls that I can find I would like to be distracted By different kinds of water But too busy fighting my own guts Instead of fighting The pieces of shit that are out hungry For my blood Fighting the colon Fighting the brains Fighting good feelings Fighting darkness Fighting figures of speech Fighting the unending desire to belong And they say Time passes and the memories erode away So if you’ve got it in you, gorilla glue your face to something nice But youre out crushing the gravestones at the cemetery again You’re dispersing the hate like its seeds to grow again But you can't help it, you know you're god So how can you afford to help anyone How can anyone else Possibly belong In your stupid little club Fighting the other Fighting yourself Fighting ideas Fighting sobriety Fighting the green grass that's plenty Fighting the water And always fighting whatever is different that comes I want you to know I've been staring at it For the longest while And I figured out It’s an accident That when your eyes look out your body knows that it feels I want you to know I took the negativity And ran with it As far as the eyes could see Green rays on the horizons I can’t find the difference between Right and wrong And i want you to know I took it with me I internalized the feelings of hate Old things are thrown away like you'll one day be thrown away Never finding the difference between right and wrong Always waiting for some green ray on the horizon
5.
The arguments i wonder What they are To hold the ball only to throw it out Satisfy the need to hit the ball The hands on bats are swinging all around And all the while running yourself lower Take to base yourself to lower things All you need is to go chase that ball All I need Is barking dogs and helicopter rides into the sun Someone took my hand, handed me a tube, and led me into an infirmary I understand what the smell is But in general i feel no sadness Neurotic medicine Ribbon medicine Bright medicine In the end modernity rears its arbitrary head again Or a waiting room to watch itself end In the end when I shit in the red bin Bones in the red bin Flesh in the red bin I hope they don’t bother with the fence To keep the wild dogs From eating my body In the end The places I can only imagine what they are Going still i wonder to the dawn I know the where is needed and the rounds And all the while the leading lows are own All I need Is for you to go easy on the morality On the shit sandwich of life All I need Is to mean well and demean well Figuring out that these arms maybe don’t even belong to me All I need The cobblestone roads The inaudible scream The limitless sky
6.
If to be estranged is to be graceful I’ll take it The moments ripen on the trees Let them fall to the ground I've never known you like I wanted to From years of silence We’re really good at celebrating obstacles It’s what makes us human The one time you gotta say something you say I can barely do this And then the one time you gotta know You don’t know And then the one time you gotta believe in yourself You don’t seem to believe in anything And the one time you gotta do something You just live your days out If to be estranged is to be graceful I’ll take it The moments ripen on the trees Let them fall to the ground I've never enjoyed anything i wanted to From years of nihilism We’re really good at celebrating violence It’s what makes us human That one time you had to be there You ran away into a wilderness And the one time you had to understand something You said I don’t want to understand anything The angels watch you eat Your god forsaken meals Laughter is the best medicine for them Thinking this is it, or is it Give me the reason Give me the wrath Give me the unpalatable dominating cold wind Give me the blue light Give me the green light Give me light to illuminate all the things i've never been able to see Because of all the shattering Give me the heat The hellfires from which we can dream an escape The two headed despair coin The seven headed groan Throw
7.
It is a life without surprises. You are safe. You sleep, you walk, you continue to live. Like a laboratory rat abandoned in its maze by some absent-minded scientist, and which, morning and night, unerringly, unhesitatingly, follows the path to its food dispenser, turning left, turning right, pressing down twice on a pedal ringed in red in order to receive its portion of homogenized feed. There is no hierarchy, no preference. Your indifference is completely mindless and absurd, a grey man for whom grey has no connotation of dullness, insensitive and morally neutral. You’re attracted by water, but also by stone, by darkness, also by light, by warmth, but also by cold. Also by light, by warmth, but also by cold. All that exists is your walking, and your gaze, which lingers and slides, oblivious to beauty, to ugliness, to the familiar, and the just, only ever retaining combinations of shapes and lights, which form and dissolve continuously all around you in your eyes, on the ceilings, at your feet, in the sky, in your cracked mirror, in the water, in the stone, in the crowds. Tents on the boulevards, men and women, children and dogs, dollars, crushes, burning vehicles and broken shop windows, buildings, ACABs, columns and capital, pavements and gutters, sandstone statues, flags glistening grey in the drizzle, or almost red, or almost white, or almost black, or murder blue. Silences, police lines, crowds at the intersections, empty shops, virus particles, garbage, deserted Sunday streets in August, mornings, evenings, nights. Now you are the nameless peasant of the world, the one on whom history has lost its hold, the one who no longer feels the rain falling, who does not see the approach of light. All you are is all you know: your life that continues, your breathing, your step, your aging. You see the people coming and going, crowds and objects taking shape and dissolving. Your eye is suddenly caught by a curtain rail in the tiny window: you continue on your way: you are inaccessible.

credits

released October 9, 2020

Recorded and mixed by Ignat Frege at the Howling Wasteland. Mastered by Dave Cooley at Elysian Masters.

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hand model Los Angeles, California

hand model is the solo project of Ignat Frege, one half of the experimental metal band Wreck and Reference.

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